BSNEWS and WHIRLED REPORT

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ATTACK ADS PREVAIL IN SOUTH CAROLINA

The gloves have come off and the fur is flying in Dixie as the Republican and Democratic candidates have begun to play dirty with each other. In response to a Mitt Romney ad classifying him as a "Baby-eating Satanist who I'll call the next best hope of the nation if he wins the nomination," Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee sent out a letter to registered voters saying that Mitt Romney was "totally in to Broadway Shows, flowers and a bunch of other gay stuff." Fred Thompson accused front-runner John McCain of being "less patrioticker" than himself while McCain responded with "'Law and Order' sucks." Democrats have been just as dirty, with Hillary Clinton claiming that she is "Againster the War" than Obama. Obama responded by accusing Clinton of trying to kill a Kansas farm girl "and her little dog too." John Edwards, who people have stopped caring about, accused himself of being gay. In other news from the Palmetto State, former President Bill Clinton has been aggressively polling the 18-35 year-old female demographic. "Anything I can do to help," he said.

BASEBALL INVESTIGATES STEROIDS

Major League Baseball has been conducting serious investigations into the existence and use of steroids. So far, they have concluded that not only do steroids exist, but they can be used to enhance athletic performance. The investigation, conducted by crack detective and longtime WWE referee Richard Head, will produce a full report by the end of the 2145 season and is expected to be controversial as several current players are rumored to be named as individuals who have heard about steroids and their ability to enhance athletic performance.

CLEMENS, BONDS TO ENDORSE JUICE

Bountiful American Living Country Orchards, a San Francisco-based company specializing in fruit juices, has reached an agreement with Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens to be their spokesmen. "I've always believed in the performance-enhancing properties of this company's line of juice products, so this deal is great for me, they've got the nutrients and natural additives I need to help me train hard," said Bonds in a prepared statement. Clemens, in a television interview, stated "I have trained for years and have never knowingly used such products…..until I found out how great they taste and all about their health benefits."

SPEARS USES RESTROOM

Britney Spears, the most important person in the world in terms of media coverage, went to the restroom, reports say, after eating a big meal. Authorities would not comment on the matter but that didn't stop most everybody else in Los Angeles.